My darling daughters, how will I ever know if I am going to be enough for you to get through the tragedy that instantly changed you and made you grow up way too soon. All I can promise you is that I will be here for every tear, every moment of sadness and for every moment of joy.
The morning I heard the news of your father’s death changed our lives forever. You were all still sleeping silently and innocently in bed without a care in the world. Too little to understand the true extent of what had happened, and too young to deserve this unfairness of life.
One by one as I heard your tiny footsteps come down the stairs, my heart sank deeper into the pit of my stomach knowing I would have to tell you that daddy would not be picking you up this morning.
Even writing this letter and re-living those moments, I see you clearly and remember how much smaller you seemed. I wanted you to remember that day a little less painful, so we went on a walk and we talked about life and death. About heaven, about the clouds, about our souls and what we believe happens when we die.
My beautiful children, you told me that when we die, we go to heaven, we sit on a cloud and we wave to the people we love. Then I told you, that your daddy had died.
The pain in your eyes, the noise of your cry and the feeling of helplessness when I held you tight made me more determined to give you all that I have and be all that you need.
The choices I had to make were difficult and hard, but the love and support from our family and friends helped you to see the light that was there. You had to say goodbye to your father, I knew this was something that you would never regret, that would give you the chance to say goodbye and in your own way. A goodbye that came too early and should not have been spoken at 6, 4 and 3.
I wish I could take your pain away, that I, not you, could feel the pain in your heart, that I could be in your shoes, and you in mine. Then the world wouldn’t seem so unfair. You would understand that sometimes things that should never have happened, can not be undone. You would understand that with time there comes peace, with love there comes joy and with death there comes life.
Life is so precious and it is here to be lived, life is about happiness and the things that are free. Whatever your troubles, I am here and I hear you. I want to guide you through the darkness and into the light, I want to hold your little hands until they outgrow mine and I want my love to ease your pain.
When the time is right, you will understand what happened and that he took his own life. You will know that it was not your fault, that you, nor I, could change what happened. That sometimes its just too late to save those that don’t know they need help. That the path to destruction is often unseen, and a person can walk with many, but feel so alone, so they search for a high that life can not give.
My promise to you is to surround you with love, to treasure your souls, and to guide you with courage.The void may never be filled from the loss of your father, but I will help you to make the right choices, I will be the best teacher I can, and you will lead happy and normal lives.
I promise you that.
My beautiful girls, you grew up way too soon.
My love always